Finding Joy in the Chaos

This morning I found a breakthrough: in my breath.

I have begun doing cardio exercises on my afternoons, and in the mornings, I wake up and meditate for about fifteen minutes. In a beginners sense. I become distracted when my dog begs me to take him outside, or when I sneeze due to the incense I lit in the kitchen. But, it has begun a process within my heart.

My heart has been so locked up with fear, due to the politics of the past months, to the global outlook we face, Nature’s growing call to help her heal and, my own doubts and fears about my purpose in life. What am I supposed to do now?

This morning, quite suddenly, I began to breath, in the middle of the morning. And I listened to the guided meditation I have been using ( I highly recommend it, on Insight Timer), truly letting go of all the worries of the day. My job, money, the stock market, my body, and finally, my dreams and failures.

It hit me, like the softest punch thrown by my guardian angel: I am too hard on myself, I judge myself too harshly and, I need to begin healing before I am ready to give any new love and beauty into the world, be it through film, television, podcasts or writing stories. I need to love my dark shadows, and forgive myself. It is not an easy task, it appears like a magical fairy when you absolutely and completely let go of your ego, your anger, and pride in holding on to, what? Holding on to the past out of fear of the preset moment when we realize, we cannot control where our life goes. Only how we embrace the flow of the universe. Yes, this all hit me in a split second.

Tears streamed down my eyes as I kept breathing in and out, and my own thoughts swiftly disappeared, and I visualized the light coming into my heart. Healing her. Healing me.

I am finding joy, in this chaos called Earth. I only wish this means, we can all slowly, heal our hearts, come to peace and love for ourselves, and from here… we are truly a force of goodness for all of mankind.

The New Age of Us: America La Bella

As I sat with my mother watching the inauguration of the new President of the United States, Joe Biden, and new Vice President, Kamala Harris, we cried together. Both of us women who have struggled to find our voice, fight for our freedom and reckon with our identities.

My mother and I knew, watching Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez that this day was also for us. For two women from Puerto Rico who didn’t quite make it in the first years of their lives, who maybe were arrogant and privileged at some point, but now, have very much so, come to Earth, and have embraced who we are.

We are women of color from Puerto Rico. We have both grappled with the notion of white and color, since we are both of white skin. And yet, we are in fact of color, of passion, of a race of humankind forged of a mixture of beauty and Grace not of this world. Watching Jennifer Lopez sing so beautifully made me see me in her.

I will never forget today, when for the first time, in my life, I actually, finally, understood how privileged indeed I am. A woman of color, from San Juan, Puerto Rico, who has traveled the world, and has only just begun her life, only just begun to give her voice to the world.

My mother, turning to me, stated “This is your time now, never be quiet again, and be your beautiful self. Speak up. Always.”

That’s what I hope I get to do.

Go Vote 2020

Early Monday morning, 7:45, I’m driving to the polling site in Houston, Texas. As I see all of the signs for the red and blue candidates, and pull up to a parking spot, I tear up. I get to vote today. Where I grew up, Puerto Rico, we are a colony folks, so we don’t get to vote for president.

We are controlled by this country, but we are not allowed to vote for the same government who decides our fate during times of emergency, need and change. True, the island has voted for the status quo time and time again, yet, we have no say in our future. But maybe this time, the votes cast on the mainland will resonate, and cause waves. Waves of change, reaching the people and places on the island, and this country, that still want Puerto Rico to be chained and silent, like a submissive pet; beautiful, quiet and beaten down. Enough.

I voted today. With my voice, my power, I stand proud and declare change. You matter. As a great Puerto Rican, Eugenio María de Hostos, said “La libertad no es mas que el uso de la razon.”

Freedom is nothing more than the use of your reason.

Go Vote.

Outside polling station in Houston, Texas

“I WAS HER”, trailer

The story of a single woman, newly jobless in these pandemic times, and she finds herself on the verge of a breakdown. She knows she is alive and must get through this, but… is this present moment…true reality? Camilla is the story of those who are alone, jobless, scared, realizing this has come to change their lives forever.